I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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