We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
