Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
