My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize