I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
