The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
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