You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
