This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Randomize
