sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
