i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
