Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
