I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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