I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
