I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Randomize
