i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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