i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
