He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
