I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
