I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
