You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
