I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
