glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
