The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
