She is in my trunk
even my farts smell like vagina
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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