yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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