I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
