dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
