can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
