What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
