I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
