ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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