swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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