can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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