I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
