So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
