This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
