Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
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