i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
