the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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