my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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