bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
50% drunk capacity currently
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
