P.S. I can't hear my feet
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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