Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
