I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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