jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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