it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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