It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
