I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I could fuck to npr.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Pants are for mortals
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
