Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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