remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
