Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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