ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
